DCfemella

This will always be known as the worst day of my life. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning to hear that your younger sister has passed away is not something that I ever wish on anyone. When my older sister A. told me that Kristine had died, I felt like dying myself. It was something that I couldn’t believe or comprehend. Someone who had been a part of my life for almost all of it was gone in an instant. I felt that maybe I was being punished for something I had done because the pain was too unbearable.

I remember the dream I had the night that I found out Kristine had passed away. It was dark, and I was walking to my car alone. I had just left the house (practically ran away) where everyone was crying over her loss. When I got in the car, I knew there was someone in the backseat, and I also knew that it was Kristine.

She said, “I’m so sorry Shevonne.”
I said to her, “I don’t think I am strong enough to deal with this. I can’t live without you.”
“You have to for the kids. You have to be strong.”
“I just miss you so much already.”
“You will be fine. Promise me that you will try.”

I didn’t listen to her words at first. For weeks, I barely ate or slept. It was finally after the 3rd or 4th month of behaving like a zombie and alienating myself from my family and friends that I realized that I had to snap out of it. My son came to me and said, “Mommy, will you ever be ok?” I realized that for the sake of my kids, I needed to stop acting as though I was dead myself.

Last night I had another dream. The whole family was together, and we were at a resort. We were all tired and sad even though we were in these beautiful surroundings. My dad’s mother sat next to my grandmother and said, “Now that Kristine is no longer here, they only have to worry about A. and Shevonne.” It hit me, and I ran away crying. I walked on a dirt path that was surrounded by trees. The only light came from the moon. Even though I was crying, I knew it was a dream.

I said, “Please let me see my sister. I need to see her so I know that she is there with me. I don’t want to wake up until I do.”

When I returned to the resort, A. and Kristine were there. I hugged both of them while they looked at me like “What in the world is wrong with her?”

I looked at Kristine, and she looked at me. I gave her another huge hug, and she hugged me back. She said, “Shevonne, chill out. I’m fine, and you two are as well.”

After hugging her a bit longer, she was gone.

I want to think, or else I know, that it was my sister. I miss her so much, but I know that she wants me to keep being strong and carry on.

I love you Kristine.

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Relationships are tough. There is no longer “you,” but “us.” There is a lot of compromising that needs to happen because you two are not pod people. Each of you has your own interests, friends, and family. This is going to eventually cause a fight. It’s after your first big fight that you realize if the two of you will be able to survive anything. If after your first couple of disagreements the two of you don’t survive, then you probably won’t. My friend T. who is happily married put it best. “If you two can’t work out your issue after a fight, then what happens when there are kids involved?” She’s right.

Our friend B. and her boyfriend broke up after their first blowout. After that, he ended things with no hesitation. It happened to me as well. We had one fight, and the relationship was never the same. They decide that they can’t be bothered, and so they leave. I went through the whole on-and-off thing for years with someone I truly loved and guess what? It didn’t work out even though the love was there. Love doesn’t solve everything. I’ve realized that if a relationship ends, there is no point of going back because what was broken the first time is usually still broke.

When someone ends it, he should just leave it at that. He shouldn’t try to contact you anymore. What’s done is done. At first, you speak to the person, but then you realize that you are wasting your time. He isn’t going to change, and you are just going to go through more heartache. I saw how B. did that with her ex. He would call from time-to-time, and she would start getting her hopes up.  When they did speak, he would make it clear they would never get back together, which would break her heart. When my ex started contacting me, I nipped it in the bud. No way am I going through that frustration ever again. 

After awhile, you will start dating someone new.  He will totally get you.  It’s like B. said now that she met this great new guy…it’s effortless.  You don’t have to watch what you say, you see each other all the time, and everything is wonderful.  You both want the same things, and you know that if you two have a disagreement, he won’t leave out the door running. When that happens (even before then), your ex should realize that what’s done is done.  You decided that it was over, so just let it go. Yes, you are missing out on a great girl, but that’s something that you have to deal with; not her. Think about the memories you two shared together, but leave it at that.

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